This can be easier said than done, but beginning today, carve out some free time for yourself.

Even if your loved one only requires minimum assistance right now, schedule some time to do something that is important to you. Try to schedule time once a week, at a minimum, though most people will need more. Try to pick the same time(s) and day(s) each week and be consistent about taking this time off. Creating a predictable routine will make it easier for you, the person with dementia, and anyone who comes into the home to help out. Make sure that time is spent doing things that will refresh you. Many care partners feel guilty for leaving the person at home while they go out and visit with friends, attend a book group, or participate in a sport they enjoy. It is critical to realize that if you are not happy and healthy, you can never be an effective care partner. If you don’t take breaks for your enjoyment, you will experience resentment, anger, and fatigue.

Things to do that are just for you!

• Read spiritual passages
• Listen to music
• Meet a friend for coffee
• Take a weekly exercise class
• Join a book group
• Get a haircut or a manicure
• Take a walk in the park
• Play with your grandchildren
• Check out some books or take a free class at the library
• Go to the movies
• Attend church
• Go for a bike ride
• Write in a journal
• Talk with someone in person, by phone, or through the Internet
• Take a nap
• Participate in a sport you enjoy

Now that you know how you might spend your free time, it is time to find out what is available for your loved one to enjoy.

Consider hiring a companion or ask a friend or family member to stay with the person while you go out and do something on your own. If finances limit your options, think about services you could exchange. Could you trade time with someone who is also a care partner of someone with dementia? If a friend offers to sit with your spouse while you go grocery shopping, can you do his or her shopping at the same time? Can you say thank you with baked goods, a home-cooked dinner, or a handmade item? Another option is for the person with dementia to spend the day at an adult day program or senior center. Many county run programs offer low cost or free services and often have transportation. This way, you know your loved one is safe and socializing with others. When you reach out to others for assistance, be as specific as possible about your needs. Describe the exact task with which you need help—whether it’s driving your loved one out into the country to look at the fall leaves, taking him to a program, staying with the person while you go for out a few hours, or picking up some groceries.

Helpful Resources for Caregivers and People Living with Dementia

The following are some resources and places that may have special programs for people living with dementia. You may find they provide enrichment to daily life.

Download PDF – Contact Information for the following resources

Area Agency on Aging

Call your county Area Agency on Aging to see if there are any community programs available. Some might be subsidized by the state, and others might be private pay. Ask about all available programs for people with dementia, including any respite programs.

Local Colleges

Investigate local colleges that offer art, music, or recreational therapy as a major. Contact the program director to ask if they have any students who would be interested in volunteering with a person with cognitive impairment. If the student is meeting your loved one in your home, we recommend being present for the first few visits or until you are comfortable leaving them alone.

Religious / Spiritual organizations

If you belong to a religious or spiritual organization, ask if they know any members who might be interested in spending time with a person with dementia. There might be certain tasks that need to be accomplished in the house of worship that the person with dementia and someone from the congregation could work on together. These might include folding bulletins, straightening chairs, reading to children, helping pass out beverages, etc.

Memory Café

Visit a Memory Café in your area. These casual social meeting places are designed for those with memory impairment and their care partners, families, and friends. It is a great way to build friendships, lend support, and feel supported. Individual Memory Cafes have different focuses; you may find some are activities-based, while others focus on education. Some offer entertainment such as music and dancing, and others might focus on crafts and painting. It is not a place to “drop off” your loved one for a while, but a way to enjoy activities with them as a break from the normal routine.

Museums

Many museums offer specialized tours for people with dementia and their care partners. Typically, they have specially trained docents who have learned how to communicate with and make art accessible to individuals living with dementia.

So many care partners feel that they should be able to do it all themselves, but that is not the case. Often bringing someone into the home to give you a break and can be a good first step to accepting help. Many long-term care insurance policies will pay for home health care. But, how do you find the right person?

Here are some questions you can ask during the interview process:

Have you ever worked with someone who has cognitive impairment?

It would be ideal to find a companion who does have experience working with someone or caring for a relative with dementia. Ask about any dementia training courses completed. If the person doesn’t have expertise, find out if they would be willing to read about dementia and go to some educational workshops. Sometimes the person’s personality and willingness to learn is much more important than their education or experience.

If the person has worked with others who have dementia, ask them to tell you about a time they were adaptable or flexible with someone who has dementia.

Listen to your instincts when the person answers. You are looking for someone who can give an example of a situation in which he or she made a change in their approach to communicating or providing care, rather than trying to change the person with dementia. If someone replies that it was really hard work, you should consider that a less desirable response. Usually, that person will have had enough difficult experiences that he or she will begin to expect these negative outcomes and may not approach your situation with an open mind.

Why would you like this job?

It would be ideal to find someone who answers that they love being with older adults.

How do you think you will spend your time during the day when the person with dementia is not in need of personal care?

Sitting and watching TV is NOT a good answer. Preferably, given the physical condition of your loved one, you want to hear the potential companion talk about going outside for a walk, playing games, or reading together. Anything that shows he or she will engage your loved one is a good thing. Look for a person who says that he or she is happy to participate in activities with your loved one. It would be wonderful if the person begins his or her answer by asking what your loved one enjoys doing.

Are you interested in a temporary or long-term position?

You would like them to say that they are looking for something that is long term. Transition and change is very difficult for all of us and is even harder for a person with dementia. Your family and the person with dementia will have to welcome someone new into their lives and begin to form a relationship of trust. If a care partner is replaced frequently, this will be hard for everyone and particularly unsettling for the person with dementia.

Have you had a background check? Are you willing to have one?

Most licensed agencies will perform their own background checks, but it is still good to ask the person. If you are hiring the care partner privately, it is good to do this just to be safe. Do not hire anyone who refuses to have this done.

Are you available to come at the same time every week?

It is good to have clear expectations of when the care partner is expected to work. If he or she expects to have some scheduling issues (child care, car availability), it is good to know ahead of time. This way you can either put a plan in place to minimize inconveniences or interview for a second care partner who will be available in the event the first person is not.

Can you provide a list of references?

Recommendations from previous clients are very helpful. If they valued this person’s work, the reference will often be very enthusiastic about the strengths of this person you are considering hiring.

What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

Spend some time talking to the person about their hobbies and interests so you can get to know them a bit. Most people are more relaxed talking about things they like to do and let their real personality shine through.

Mantras and Positive Thinking

Research has shown that positive thoughts and emotions change the neurochemicals in the brain that affect our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Saying an affirmation first thing in the morning starts you off in a positive mood and affects your decision-making for the day. If you forget to do this when you get out of bed, don’t worry; mantras are helpful in stressful situations too.

Some mantras that others have found effective include:

I can…

I am my own superhero

Tomorrow is another day.

With God, all things are possible.

I am in charge of how I feel today and today I choose happiness

I will accept the things I cannot change.

I am enough

I am whole

I will look for the good in every day.

Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.

I have much to celebrate.

I believe I can be kinder to myself.